War on Whimsy Read online

  "They frightened us to death," said Nicola. "We thought they were here to kidnap us. You see, Shimlara's parents and little brother have gone missing and--"

  "I know they've gone missing," interrupted Princess Petronella.

  "You do?" said Shimlara.

  "Of course. That's why I'm here."

  CHARTER 6

  "Do you know where they are?" asked Shimlara desperately.

  "We think we do," said the princess.

  "They're alive, then? You know they're alive?"

  "We believe they're alive," said the princess. "Look, we're going to explain everything. That's why I'm here. To bring you back to the palace."

  She turned to Nicola. "It's good to see you little Earthlings again! Have you been enjoying the Earth oceans that I saved for you?"

  "You didn't save our oceans!" protested Sean."We convinced you not to destroy Earth."

  "Details, details!" said the princess airily.

  "Also, we don't just swim all day long," said Greta. "We have our educations to consider. We go to school. We have homework. Extracurricular activities."

  The princess ignored Greta. She was busy looking out the back window at the Gorgioskio backyard. "Speaking of swimming, should we have a dip before we go? The palace pool must be twenty times the size of yours. I'd love to try a teeny pool!"

  "I think Shimlara might be in a hurry to find out about her parents," said Katie.

  "Oh." The princess looked disappointed. Nicola could see her struggle. She was so used to getting her own way.

  "Well, all right," she said ungraciously. "I guess we can go now. After all, you are all my friends. Friends make sacrifices for one another, don't they?"

  "That's right," said Katie encouragingly.

  "Excellent! I adore friendship! So now Shimlara owes me one sacrifice! Should we record that somewhere?" said the princess.

  "How are we getting to the palace?" interrupted Tyler.

  "Why, the Royal Aero-Carriage, of course," said the princess.

  "Why, of course," said Sean. "What a stupid question, Tyler!"

  Tyler grinned and the princess smiled uncertainly at the two boys. She sometimes had a hard time following Earthling humor.

  "Yes indeed! Ha-ha!" Then her smile vanished. "Go outside to the front of the house where the carriage is waiting. All of you. Now."

  They all went outside (past the palace guards on their hands and knees attempting to fix Shimlara's front door) to find an enormous, intricately carved carriage floating in midair in front of the Gorgioskio house.

  "It's so beautiful," breathed Katie.

  "It's actually becoming quite shabby," sighed Princess Petronella. She stepped forward and a staircase carpeted in red velvet sprang out from the carriage door. "Follow me," she ordered.

  They walked up the elegant royal staircase.

  The inside of the carriage looked like a sitting room in a palace. "Oh, yes, this is very shabby," said Sean dryly.

  "Do you really need to have your own throne when you travel?" Sean pointed at the three thrones. "Would it hurt you to sit on a couch for five minutes?"

  "I don't understand the question," said the princess.

  "Don't worry about it," muttered Sean.

  "We're moving," marveled Tyler. He'd gone to stand at one of the windows. "And there's no turbulence at all."

  The princess ignored him.

  "Can you at least give me an idea of where my family is?" asked Shimlara.

  "I'd really prefer to talk about myself!" said the princess brightly. "I want to tell you everything! Well, let's see, I've been doing kickboxing lessons, and I--"

  "I don't think it's fair to Shimlara to make her wait," interrupted Nicola.

  "Oh," said the princess. She frowned."Well, all right! That's two favors you owe me now, Shimlara! Why don't I sit on my throne and you can all sit at my feet while I explain."

  "I'm not sitting at your feet," said Greta disgustedly.

  "Why don't we all sit on these comfy couches," said Katie.

  "I guess I could do that," said Princess Petronella. She sat down tentatively on a plush velvet lounge. "Actually, this is quite comfortable! How fascinating!"

  Shimlara's voice suddenly spoke up loud and clear in Nicola's head.

  If she doesn't tell me soon, I'm going to strangle her scrawny neck!

  Nicola glanced at Shimlara and saw that she was sitting in the seat opposite the princess, her hands demurely folded, her eyes downcast.

  Be careful. She might read your mind, thought Nicola.

  She wouldn't be bothered to read my mind! She's too busy thinking about herself! I forgot how selfish she was! She's a spoiled--

  "Shimlara," said Princess Petronella. "We believe your parents and brother are being held captive somewhere on the Planet of Whimsy."

  Shimlara looked startled. "Where? What do you mean, 'held captive?'"

  Mmmm, maybe she was reading my mind, she said in Nicola's head.

  "One of Georgio's newspaper clippings mentioned the Planet of Whimsy," said Nicola. "Some other planet declared war on it."

  "That's right," said the princess. "The Planet of Volcomania has invaded the Planet of Whimsy."

  "Let me guess," said Sean. "Shimlara's parents started a committee."

  "They did," agreed Princess Petronella. "The Stop the Wicked War on the Planet of Whimsy Committee. They've been organizing petitions, protest marches--that sort of thing. Your parents are very passionate people, aren't they?"

  "Was it the Volcomanian government who took them?" asked Shimlara.

  "Our spies believe so," said Princess Petronella.

  "Oh, why couldn't they just take up some sort of boring hobby like normal parents!" said Shimlara.

  "This is outrageous! I assume the Globagaskarian royal family is going to demand they be returned!" said Greta.

  "Unfortunately we can't confront them about it," said Princess Petronella. "Because we'd have to admit we spy on them, and then they might declare war on us."

  "But someone has to do something!" spoke up Katie.

  "Of course," said the princess. "That's why I came to pick you up." She looked up. Nicola followed her gaze and saw the glistening jewel-encrusted spires of the Rainbow Palace against a backdrop of snow-draped mountains. Nicola had barely been aware that they were moving.

  "We're here," said the princess. She stood up and straightened her tiara. "The Chief of Special Intelligence is waiting to speak to you all."

  She paused and looked down at Shimlara.

  "I did mention that I took up kickboxing, didn't I, Shimlara? And that I excel at it? So I don't recommend your attempt to 'strangle my scrawny neck.' "

  CHAPTER 7

  The Space Brigade sat around a long oval table in the Rainbow Palace. At one end of the table were Princess Petronella and her parents, the king and queen of Globagaskar, sitting in elaborate thrones.

  The king and queen gave the Brigade slightly frosty nods of welcome.

  The last time they'd met, the princess's parents had been threatening to throw them all in jail for kidnapping their daughter.

  At the other end of the table was the Chief of Special Intelligence: a woman with a short brown haircut in the shape of a bowl. She was dressed in a dark uniform with rows of medals across her chest.

  Her name was XYZ40. Apparently all members of Special Intelligence were referred to only by their code names.

  "Where is the leader of the Space Brigade?" asked XYZ40. She seemed to be looking around as if someone were missing.

  Nicola coughed nervously and lifted her finger. "That would be me."

  "Right," said XYZ40. She frowned, looking at Nicola's pretty party dress. "And this is the same Space Brigade that just completed a mission where you helped overthrow the dictator of the Planet of Shobble?"

  "That's us!" said Nicola cheerfully. It was nice to be reminded of their previous successes.

  "I see." XYZ40 studied them all. "You seem very young."

 
; "Good skincare," said Sean, giving the Space Brigade a secret wink. "We don't look our age."

  "Really?" XYZ40 stroked her cheek. "How extraordinary."

  "Shall we begin?" said the queen of Globagaskar. "It's just that your mention of skincare reminded me that I have a very important facial after this meeting."

  "Yes, and I urgently require a nap," yawned the king.

  "Of course, your majesties," said XYZ40. "Let me begin with some background for the Earthlings."

  A white screen slid down behind her. She picked up a long pointer.

  "This is the Planet of Volcomania."

  The screen filled with a dark, fiery landscape.

  "Volcomania's most significant geographical feature is its volcanoes," said XYZ40. "The exact number of live volcanoes on the planet has never been confirmed; however, it's estimated that a volcano erupts every two-and-a-half minutes. This obviously makes life difficult, due to the constant danger of being splattered with boiling lava. As a result, the planet's inhabitants have gradually evolved an unusual, tough, scaly skin."

  The screen showed a picture of a family: a man, woman, and two children. They would have looked perfectly normal, except for their skin. It was a deep red in color and ridged like a crocodile's.

  "I really must not miss that facial," murmured the queen.

  "To avoid third-degree burns, visitors must wear a specially formulated lava screen," said XYZ40. She handed around small tubes that looked like sunscreen. Nicola examined hers. It said: FACTOR 25,000,000 LAVASCREEN.To avoid potentially fatal lava burn, apply to ALL exposed skin, hair, AND clothing.

  Goodness. Nicola thought about how she often missed a patch of skin when she was applying sunscreen.

  "Are they able to grow any crops on Volcomania?" asked Tyler. He always asked the intelligent questions.

  "No, the quality of the soil makes it impossible to grow any food on the planet," said XYZ40. "All food is imported from other planets. Volcomania's main source of income is manufacturing goods from solidified lava. For example, this happens to be a Volcomanian vase."

  She lifted a squat brown vase from the table and smashed it hard against the side of the table. It didn't break.

  "Volcomanian goods are impossible to break," said XYZ40. "Their biggest customers are families with small children and people with bad tempers. If you're having an argument and you want to throw a teacup, you can do so without fear of it breaking. For example . . ."

  She put down her pointer, picked up a nearby teacup and threw it against the wall. It shattered into tiny fragments.

  "Oh!" XYZ40's hands flew to her mouth. "I am sorry, your majesties, I was absolutely positive that was a Volcomanian teacup."

  "It was actually a priceless heirloom," sighed the queen. Flustered, XYZ40 picked up her pointer again.

  "The nearest planet to Volcomania is the Planet of Whimsy. In fact, the planets are actually joined."

  A picture of two planets appeared on the screen. One was large and the other small.

  "This is Volcomania." XYZ40 indicated the larger planet. "It is joined to the Planet of Whimsy here." She pointed to a long, thin cylinder attaching the two planets. It was like both planets had been stuck on either end of a toothpick. "This is actually an Underground Sea. The only way to travel between the two planets is via this sea."

  She pointed to a pale pink halo around the Planet of Whimsy. "It is impossible to land a spaceship on Whimsy because of this atmospheric dust. Although deceptively pretty, it's actually Choker Dust. It causes spaceships to choke up and disintegrate."

  "So I guess the only way you can get to the Planet of Whimsy is by first landing on Volcomania and then scuba diving through the Underground Sea?" said Greta.

  "Exactly," said XYZ40.

  Oh my,thought Nicola.

  "And that's where Mom and Dad and Squid are?" said Shimlara.

  "We'll get to that," said XYZ40. "First I want to brief you on the Planet of Whimsy."

  The king yawned enormously."Surely they know all about Whimsy? What are they teaching them in school these days?"

  XYZ40 cleared her throat. "Ah, your majesty, apart from Shimlara, the members of the Space Brigade are Earthlings. It's my understanding that most Earthlings have little or no awareness of the existence of life on other planets."

  "Silly creatures," said the king.

  "The Planet of Whimsy is quite a different kettle of fish from Volcomania," said XYZ40. A picture of an exquisite lake appeared on the screen.

  "I won't belabor the point, but it's simply the most beautiful planet in the universe." XYZ40 clicked through a number of pictures, each one more stunning than the last. Nicola felt like her eyes were being assaulted by beauty. She couldn't describe the feeling it gave her. It was like she'd just listened to a type of music she'd never heard before and it had touched her soul.

  "Ah," moaned Nicola and Katie at the same time, as the last slide disappeared.

  XYZ40 narrowed her eyes at them. "I see that you two are susceptible to Whimsy's beauty. Arty types, are you?" She said the word arty as if it were something vaguely disgusting.

  "I like to write stories sometimes," admitted Nicola.

  "I play the cello a little," said Katie. (Nicola knew she was being modest. Katie was actually a very talented cellist, although she was shy about performing in public.)

  "You two will have to be extra careful on Whimsy," said XYZ40.

  "So we're going to Whimsy, then?" said Shimlara. "To rescue my family?"

  "I am getting to that," said XYZ40.

  A new slide appeared on the screen. It showed a group of people lying in a meadow. They all had long wispy hair, rosy faces, and dreamy expressions. Some of them were holding flowers. Others were staring in blissful wonder at the sky.

  "The people of Whimsy are the most artistic in the universe," said XYZ40. "The landscape seems to inspire them. They write symphonies and plays. They paint. They sculpt. They sing. They're really very talented. Unfortunately, they're also somewhat . . ."

  "Hopeless," supplied the king.

  "Yes," admitted XYZ40."They're incredibly absentminded. They're not at all practical. They don't grow crops even though the soil would be perfect for it, and they have no business sense whatsoever. They're always running out of food, and sending messages to Volcomania asking for urgent supplies. Up until now, the Volcomanian government has put up with this. In fact, being an entrepreneurial type of people, they've tended to exploit it. In return for supplying bread and milk, they demand that the Whimsians hand over their paintings or sculptures. Then they sell them around the galaxy for huge profits."

  "I've said it before and I'll say it again, those Whimsians all need to be packed off to business school," said the king.

  "I think I remember Mom and Dad talking about a Whimsian painting that's now worth a billion bars of gold," said Shimlara. "The person who painted it sold it to a Volcomanian for a ham sandwich."

  "So why has Volcomania declared war on the Planet of Whimsy?" asked Tyler. "It seems like they've got a pretty good arrangement going."

  "Volcomania has a new president," said XYZ40. A picture appeared on the screen of a Volcomanian woman in a crisp business suit. If it wasn't for her scaly skin, she might have been quite attractive.

  "Mrs. Mary Ellen Mania," said XYZ40."After winning the presidency, Mrs. Mania gave a very persuasive speech about how the Planet of Whimsy was actually part of Volcomanian territory and should be under their rule. She sent in the troops the following week. Once Whimsy surrenders and is under Volcomanian rule, she wants the people to work in artistic factories where they'll have a certain quota of paintings or symphonies to produce every week. They'll receive a wage and according to Mrs. Mania, they can 'finally start to act like grown-ups.' No more lying around in meadows staring at the sky. Also, they'll have to start farming on the weekends."

  "Oh, those poor people," said Katie.

  "Is the Planet of Whimsy fighting back?" asked Sean.

  "Well,
they're very upset but, the thing is, they're not actually very good at war. They don't have an army. In fact, they didn't even have a president. They'd forgotten to reelect one after the last president resigned. When the war began, they very hurriedly put this man in charge."

  A picture appeared of a fair-haired man wearing a beret and a paint-splattered smock.

  "This is Henry Sweet," said XYZ40. "He's a very good artist, but a terrible president. Not surprisingly, Volcomania is currently winning the War on Whimsy. The only reason they haven't managed to wrap it up in under a week is because of the time it takes to transport weapons, troops, and provisions through the Underground Sea. They've had to leave many of their bigger cannons and tanks behind because they can't fit them through the sea. Here is some of the damage the Volcomanian army has done so far."

  Picture after picture of terrible sights appeared on the screen.

  A meadow of flowers crushed by the heavy black boots of the Volcomanian army.

  Beautiful sculptures riddled with bullet holes.

  A family lying facedown on the ground, their hands over their heads, while their home burned behind them.

  A young girl sobbing over the burned remains of her harp.

  "No wonder my parents are trying to help!" said Shimlara passionately. She turned to the king and queen. "Why aren't you helping the Planet of Whimsy?"

  "Oh, my dear, we have expressed our grave concern over Volcomania's actions," said the queen. "Every planet's government has written a strongly worded letter to Mrs. Mania. I composed our letter myself. It took me a whole hour. I was exhausted, as you can imagine. People don't appreciate how much work goes into being a royal."

  "Why hasn't Globagaskar declared war on Volcomania?" asked Greta.

  "Obviously, you wouldn't understand this as a commoner and an Earthling, but that's how galaxy wars begin," said Princess Petronella condescendingly. "This is all much more complicated than you realize!"

  "Surely the United Aunts isn't happy about this!" said Shimlara.

  "The United Aunts has been loudly condemning Volcomania's actions," said XYZ40. "They're extremely upset. In fact, they were about to hold a press conference an hour ago on the matter, but it was canceled at the last minute."

  "Perhaps the United Aunts has been kidnapped, too," said Shimlara.

  XYZ40 looked shocked. "Don't be ridiculous. Something must have come up! Or perhaps the aunts are sick. They are quite elderly."